I have been feeling quite well and wonder if I still really need the anti - sickness tablets I am on. I worry that if my drugs are ever increased, they may not be that effective. I decide to just try and do without the one I take in the morning. No such luck that I can do without it, I'm back to where I was twelve months ago and hastily take it again by late morning. Worth a try. I think my medication regime is as good and balanced as it can be now.
I feel like I am nesting like I did when I was pregnant with Sarah, keeping busy, getting things ready pending the new arrival, although it will be a new heart and lungs this time and not a baby. It feels strangely similar to a first pregnancy,even including the nausea, which I have worse in the mornings. There is that waiting, itchy feet feeling, that feeling of anticipation of what is to come. You know you can read all you can about it, but it will never really prepare you enough when it does happen. When it does happen you know you will have to fumble through it and it might be one step forward and ten steps back. You don't know what the pain may be like and if you will cope with it, you will have to learn a new regime all over again, this time with drugs, not a baby. You will have a new and very different future ahead of you. It will be a new era for our family.
It is only really now and by pouring my story out in my blog, that I have had time to stop and reflect about all that has happened. It has felt like a roller coaster and now it has just stopped. But it has only just stopped for a little while and I'm not allowed to get off it yet as it is all going to start again, I just don't know when.
Perhaps this is the time I've got to take a breath and be ready for phase two, as I believe phase one has at least gone quiet for now. Somehow I know that phase two is going to be the hardest and I haven't really gone through anything yet, it has only just begun and the roller coaster is going to do a few more rounds yet before I am allowed to take that first step off it.
I do not think I will ever get over the shock of being diagnosed with this illness and then being told I need a heart and lung transplant, and I don't think Rob will either. He sees my illness as his too and is with me every step of the way, he calls it our illness and always has and always insists and is adamant that we will go through whatever is to be gone through together.
|Pansies in the garden|
I feel I am now in 'no man's land', I have overcome 'the enemy' so far, but I'm still aware 'it' is there, waiting, lurking in the depths of me, but I am waiting and ready, head and face on ready for the next attack, when and if 'it' tries to claim me back. Help is on the horizon, will it get to me in time and make me safe once more, free of these burdens? Will the troops come?